Hello guys and gals. I know it’s been a LONG time since I’ve said anything here but I promise that as of today I will be using this platform more often. Now let’s get right into things, shall we?
Not too long ago I was having a conversation with someone, discussing the concept of the information triangle as it pertains to partners and friends. The issue: what rules should govern the passage of info between two people in a relationship and an outside friend, especially if the outside friend of one of the partners is of the same sex as the other partner? Example: you, a girl, are in a relationship with a guy who has a female friend. Should you, by virtue of being his partner, be privy to secrets they share as friends? Or should you understand that their friendship does not involve you, so if he doesn’t want to tell you about whatever the friend has said, you should leave it alone?
There are two sides to this. I have been the friend on the outside. I have a very good male friend who I often confide in. One day it occurred to me that he probably told his partner all the stuff I told him regarding my own love life and problems. At first, it made me a little uncomfortable just because I thought well, this is a little awkward. But you know what? I cut out that line of thinking real quick because for ME, it seemed disrespectful to even think about him not sharing something with her if she wanted to know, especially since I, the friend in question, was another female. Imagine her asking “so, what did you and Sasha talk about today” and him replying with “nothing” or “none of your business”…no sah…that should not fly. So immediately after acknowledging my discomfort, I also acknowledged that my line of thinking was poor. They came as a pair. A pair I really, really like and a pair I trust. So, though I may not have been going to her directly, I was and still am 100% okay with him sharing whatever it is I say with her, because that is his partner, his confidante and that sort of bond that they have is what it should be. Now, had this been some little fly by night girl that he had for some short time, or a girl who I didn’t respect, clearly I would not feel the same way, but if it’s a serious relationship or more, marriage, I am fully, 100% okay with information like that being shared. We ought to acknowledge the role that a person’s significant other plays in their life and give them the due respect, provided it is a relationship that we respect. If you truly don’t want the partner knowing, perhaps you should think twice about sharing it with him. Essentially, you shouldn’t want your friend to be hiding things from his partner anyway.
Now, as the person IN the relationship…I don’t really make it a habit of asking about the conversations a partner has with his female friends. I don’t want it to seem like I’m being nosy, to be honest lol. However, I would like to know that if I enquired he would tell me because he A. feels comfortable enough sharing things with me and B. trusts that I will not spread the information.Now, if I ask and he doesn’t want to let out anything, I’d understand that we have different views on these matters and perhaps the fellow is just trying to be loyal to his friend. However, a small part of me would feel a bit slighted if someone flat out refused to tell me anything, especially if I went ahead and asked. Again, if I don’t ask, you don’t need to tell me, but if I ask and you say no…well then yes, I’d feel a little bad, considering the fact that it would not be a habit of mine to be asking anyway. Does that make sense? Also, I don’t know how I would feel about a woman telling him, point blank, that she doesn’t want anything she tells him to be shared with me. It would make me wonder, what does she think of me? Does she respect me as his confidante? Does she respect the role I play in his life? Again, if I was new on the scene and she had reservations I’d understand, but after some time if she was still pulling that stunt the wheels in my mind would start to turn.
I like to think of honesty and communication as some of the key ingredients of a good relationship, but is there a limit to the level of communication that should take place? What do you folks think? Am I alone in my opinion? Please share.